Days of our Military
As the Socialites Turn
All My (General’s) Children
The Old and the Beautiful
The Young and the Breathless
The General’s Hospital
Those who know me know there is nothing I love more than a good soap opera (and no, that’s not an oxymoron). I have watched soaps since I was six years old when I would rush off the school bus so I could watch The Edge of Night with my mother. My biggest worry about going to a new school was whether I would still get home in time to see my shows. My guilty obsession continues to this day. I keep waiting for Alex Trebek to announce that he is starting a new Soap Opera Jeopardy. I would so win that thing. Move over Ken Jennings, there’s a new champ in town.
Any-hoo, that said, it appears there’s a new real-life soap that has people on the edge of their seats. Who is the shirtless FBI agent? Were military secrets really revealed during pillow talk? It even stars a set of a real live Kardashian twins! (Wait…what’s that? The Kardashians are real? How were we supposed to know that?)
Yes, Americans have a brand-new scandal to sink their teeth into and thank heavens for that. The election is over and YouTube kittens can only take us so far. And since I am an expert on all things “soap opera-ish”, I thought I would offer a brief summary of…ahem…affairs.
Former CIA director, David Petraeus, has admitted to having an affair with his biographer, Paula Broadwel and for this heinous crime he has resigned his high ranking military position. According to Petraeous himself, he and Broadwell started their affair a year ago after working together for more than 6 years. Reportedly, she nicknamed him, Peaches. Nice. The man is a four-star general and she gives him a nickname you would normally bestow on a cat.
Anyway, back to my story: Paula and David conduct their covert affair in the caves of Afghanastan until David, most likely feeling badly about thinking with his heat-seeking missile instead of his superior brain, decides to break it off. He plays her Taylor Swift’s song over the phone and tells her: “We are never, ever, ever getting back together…like ever.” Paula is heart-broken and when she hears of another hussy, one Jill Kelley, moving in on her man, she starts firing off threatening anonymous e-mails. “Stay away from my boyfriend or I’ll beat you up afterschool on the playground.” (I don’t have the actual transcripts…I’m just guessing based on the maturity of the people in the situation.)
Poor sweet Jill, a kind woman who is a real live diplomat…wait…what’s that? She’s not a real diplomat? Turns out she’s a rich socialite who organizes parties for high-ranking military men even though she’s in no way connected to military. (Hmmm…that sounds like an interesting job. Where does one apply?) Jill, in fear for her life because of these 8-grader-like e-mail threats, asks her friend at the FBI (a friend who sends her shirtless pictures of himself) to investigate.
He does and loandbehold…the affair between Paula and David is revealed! Oh no! The tears! The anger! The resignation of Big David! But wait! Suddenly the tables are turned on Jill and she too comes under scrutiny. Turns out sweet Jill has been carrying on a long-distance relationship with General John Allen, David’s successor. 20-30,000 pages worth of e-mails. Wow! General John must be one hell of typist to get all of those e-mails out and run the American army in Afghanistan. (I can barely write this blog and get dinner on the table in the same day.)
Finally, because no soap opera is complete without an evil twin, the press has uncovered an ugly divorce scandal involving Jill Kelley’s twin sister, Natalie. Turns out, according to the judge, Natalie “lacks honesty and integrity” and should not have custody of her children. Ouch! Oddly, both the generals vouched for Ms. Liar Liar Pants-on-Fire in court saying she was a good mother. I wonder what constitutes a good mother in their books?
Now, all because two people who were married to two other people, couldn’t keep their pants zipped, everyone in this story is under investigation by both the government and the media. Stay tuned for breathless updates from the poor reporters who have been pulled from more important stories to cover this debacle.
I will continue to follow the story, like most of North America, mostly because it’s in my face all the time and also because it’s so ridiculous I have to keep reading to see what will happen next. But I hope it wraps up soon. I prefer my soaps the old fashion-way – poorly written, funny without trying to be, slow-moving and, most importantly, fake.